Parents should insist on their own, achieve the fulfillment of the rules, the psychoanalyst Claude Almos and pediatrician Aldo Nauri are unanimously approved. The pediatrician believes that decisions are not discussed, and the psychoanalyst is sure that the conversation is necessary. A passionate dispute about raising children, in which everyone has their own truth.
Claude Almos: In the book “Why One Love is not enough” I gave one explanation that seems very important to me: today people tend to reduce the attitude of parents and children to the only love of love, not asking the question of the specifics of parental love. But it is not limited to feelings, it also implies education. And this education, absolutely necessary for building the personality of the child, cannot be committed without strictness. And today it just scares it. For two reasons: on the one hand, people confuse severity with repression, suppression;On the other hand, they poorly understood the thought of Francoise Dolto. Everyone knows the first part of her statement: “A child is a completely separate creature that must be respected”;But there is a second part: “… this is a forming creature that cannot be formed without adult education”. Combining the position of parental significance and respect for the child is extremely difficult. We have to ask the question of the very nature of this significance, and here our opinions are completely diverge.
Aldo Nauri: I think that our discrepancies do not concern the nature of the significance of the parents, but the ways of its implementation in practice.
I don’t think so. We are fundamentally differently look at the relations of parents and children that you define as a hierarchy. This is wrong. Yes, of course, parents command, but, in contrast to the dictator who dictates their own laws, parents only convey to the child the rules that they themselves also obey. This is not a hierarchy, but the difference in provisions.
Claude Almos: “Education, absolutely necessary for building a child’s personality, cannot be committed without strict. And today it is strictness that scares."
How is it? Relations between parents and children are vertical, and therefore hierarchical. Just because of the incorrectly understood ideas of Francoise Dolto, we are dealing with the slogan "You have the right to everything". This puts the child in horizontal relationships with parents. In my pediatric practice, I constantly see what harm to children is raising when educators do not know how to say no ". I think that it is impossible for a child to explain everything. It is much calmer to have a parent who says: “Let you not like it, but you can’t do anything”. He does his parental work. If the parent puts in the explanation, he puts the child in an impossible position. He tells him: "You don’t like my approach, but you must still love me". Today’s parents are constantly sophisticated in how to like their children, they always want to seduce them. But seduction is the opposite of education.
TO. A.: Seduction, of course, is the opposite of education. But the explanations are not related to seduction. As a psychoanalyst, I observe many children who have no problems associated with some particularly difficult circumstances;They simply lack educational guidelines. Such children straighten up very quickly: I explain the rules so that the child understands them and that parents can in the future achieve compliance with these rules from him. For the most part, this is enough. Explain does not mean to apologize or make excuses.
Just as I have https://globalpharmacy24.com/ to explain to both parents and the child, what rules are. And I would like to contact my parents in my books to warn them. Because if adults had enough determination to seek obedience from children, they would not have come to us – neither you nor to me.
TO. A.: I think that parents should explain to the child the limits of the permitted. If in the evening he jumps out of bed every now and then, they explain that he needs to sleep, and for some time to be without him. They explain this time, another, maybe the third. But then they simply put him in front of the fact: “This is so, and there is nothing more to argue!"It is important to insist on your own, but it is also important to explain. Because the purpose of education is not that the child obey, conquering an adult. The goal is that he will do internal work in order to abandon the immediate satisfaction of his desires, from the “principle of pleasure”, from omnipotence. For this, it is necessary that parents should firmly identify the prohibitions on him, but at the same time they would make it possible to understand why these prohibitions serve.
A. N.: In my opinion, this works only if the parent is full of determination, if at heart he feels that his words have absolutely fundamental meaning for the child. At all times, as soon as the child was born, parents became parents. They did not wait for the appearance of Dolto to find out that they should respect their children! But today a lot of conflicting information is falling on them. On the one hand, the natural tendency of parents still exists, but so much has already been persuaded about the “child-king” that they feel guilty. If you explain to them what to educate is normal, everything will work out.
“French children do not spit food. Secrets of education from Paris "
Healthy boundaries are one of the basic principles of French education. Parents have their own life, the child has their own. He is not the center of the universe. Maybe that’s why French children do not roll up hysteria and understand what it means "no"?
TO. A.: We have a fundamental discrepancy in what education should be. Take, for example, a pacifier. In your book, you say that parents should from two years of age without any explanation to remove a nipple, a bottle of milk, a toy with which he is used to falling asleep. I also make a depressing impression of the type of four -year -old children with a nipple in my mouth. But the child can explain that he will be taken away from his nipple, because now he is talking, he has words to say if something is wrong, if he needs to be reassured by him. When this is explained, then they already say “stop” and throw a nipple. And here it is absolutely not necessary to arrange a training course for the child for 50 hours!
A. N.: The problem today is that parents are arranging a training course for 50 hours! And then they believe that if the child understood everything, then he himself will get rid of the nipple!
If excesses happen somewhere, this is not a reason to return to what was before! In what you said, I am confused by the confused parents will read your book and will literally apply what is written there. Когда ребенка перестают кормить из бутылочки — а инициатива в этом исходит от матери — он какое-то время неизбежно переживает фрустрацию. But if he explains to him that he, losing this pleasure, will discover the joy of being big for himself, everything will pass! Relying on the love of mother and her words, the child will overcome this stage. If this is not done, then this will be called abuse of power and violence, which can have severe consequences. Because the task is not only that the child does not use the bottle anymore. The task is that he no longer experiences the need for this, because he moved to something else. Otherwise, he will have a void for life, which cannot be filled with anything.
A. N.: He himself will understand everything perfectly! It is in this that we are completely diverging. You see this child in the light of psychoanalytic concepts, and I see him in everyday life. The adaptability of the child to the conditions created for him, when the parent feels that he is right, is such that you can do without words. The child has an amazing ability to adapt: he will always be able to adapt to the conditions that he was offered and which for him have the meaning of truth, because he does not know others.
Aldo Nauri: “The adaptability of the child to the conditions created for him is such that if the parent feels his rightness, then you can do without words."
TO. A.: What you say is terrible, because, based on this, a child can be fed anything! I do not suspect you personally, Aldo Nauri, that you are going to do it. But I think that in today’s environment the ideas you have expressed can be applied the worst way. It is true that psychologists and psychoanalysts too often focused on "ranting" with children. But the alternative is not defined as "either ranting or silence". Refusal of explanations is always violence. And this is not the only violence to which you call. For example, to ban the child to masturbate is also violence. As well as not give him, as you recommend, information on sex issues. Every day I accept adults in my office who tell what price they had to pay for the lack of information about sexuality. Say the child: “Do not touch your genitals in public, this is an intimate business, do it in your room” is very important. But prohibit it to do it – destructively. When you advise this in a book intended for the general public, you can imagine what harm this can do? This discards people for several centuries ago.
No need to represent me in a caricature form;In my book I am talking about obsessive masturbation. I will answer you just as Francoise Dolto once told me. I told her about the dangers that parents are misunderstood to her parents that she was saying in radio programs. So she replied: "Dear fellow, you need to go to the risk in something". I accept this risk. I do not want to say that my advice will create a miracle, I only want to call my parents to take their position without fear and not to feel constant fear that they can injure their children! When we accept our own desire without fear – “go to our room, I want to sleep” – the child obeys. And when he feels that he is with an adult at the same level, this causes uncertainty. It is in this sense that I am talking about the hierarchy. Inside the family structure, the parent takes a place located above. It is worth moving away from the awareness of this, as we fall into "child -worship".
TO. A.: The child does not need to be turned into an object of worship, nor train. This is a creature that must be educated, in the sense that Francoise Dolto gave it, that is, humanize, humanize. And I hope that what I am talking about will help him avoid visits to a psychoanalyst!
Claude Almos (Claude Halmos), psychoanalyst, follower of Jacques Lacan and Francoise Dolto. The author of the books “Speak means to live” (“Parler, C’est Vivre”, Nil Editions, 1997), “Why is there not enough one love” (Pourquoi L’amor Ne Suffit Pas, Evolution Edition, 2009). In the book “Authority. Explanations for parents (L’Autorite Explique Aux Parents, Nil, 2011) She explains why, before insisting on compliance with the rules, it is necessary to ensure that the child learn them.
Aldo Nauri, pediatrician, author of many books, including “Place for the Father” (“Une Place Pour Le Pere”, Seuil, 1999), “Girls and their mother” (“Les Filles et Leurs Mères”, Odile Jacob, 1998). His theories have always caused many criticisms from psychologists and psychoanalysts. In the book “Fostering your children is an urgent task” (“Eduquer Ses Enfants: L’argence Aujourd’hui”, Odile Jacob, 2008) He calls on his parents to be strict and use his position in the family without fear and embarrassment.